Of Men and Knives

I was sitting at a restaurant the other day and looking around, I spotted this white couple sitting at the next table eating a donut. Now, you might think there’s nothing remarkable or weird about that, but it was seriously weird cos of the way they were eating. I mean, it was a perfectly nice, round, chocolate-covered donut. Rather yummy-looking, actually. And here were these people murdering the poor thing, using a fork and a knife to mangle it. Stabbing with their steely knives as the guy sang, but then they could kill the beast this time. Or rather, the poor harmless beast was already dead.

This led me to ponder on the weird customs that some cultures have… the whole fork-and-knife thing baffles me. I mean, god (if you believe that rumour) has given most people two hands and at least ten fingers. Why not use them for one of the most important (not to mention interesting) functions of life… eating! I mean, it’s a free world, you can wash your hands before eating, if you hold with that strange concept of cleanliness, but holding weirdly shaped sticks to poke and prod at your food—stuff you’re gonna put in your mouth, for pete’s sake!—is a concept that’s beyond me! Oh, and chopsticks are also included in the list.

Ok, maybe I’m being unfair. Not that I care about being fair and all that crap, but maybe you need knives and other such aids to help you eat some things that are awkward to bite into directly. Even I use spoons for ice creams and such. But some people go to the extent of eating stuff like pizza, the abovementioned donuts and even fries with a fork and knife. I mean, come on! These are supposed to be finger food. Look into the not-so-mysterious etymology of the frickin’ phrase… you’re supposed to eat them with your fingers! To use knives and forks for them is the height of fussiness, if you ask me! Even if you don’t ask me, for that matter.

Most times, I’m puzzled by these customs. At other times, I’m just amazed. I mean, watching people eat rice with chopsticks is like a world wonder. I imagine that it must be quite frustrating, though… not being able to shove a mouthful of food into your mouth at one go.

Which reminds me of this terrible, terrible incident that happened to me some years ago. I, the foolish one, once ordered a plate of spaghetti. Being the first time I was having it spaghetti, I was really looking forward to it. I mean, it sounded foreign and delicious enough to whet both my appetite and my curiosity. So, the plate arrives. I’d seen spaghetti before, of course, but… uh! It was dripping with tomato sauce and totally slippery. And the restaurant sent me into battle armed with nothing but a fork! I battled for close to an hour before finishing the darned dish. By the time I was done, the battlefield was a mess, let me tell you. Let’s just say it was not a pretty sight. I still bear the scars of that experience, though the spaghetti and I have come to terms with each other… I promised that I would try other types of pasta thereafter and it agreed to steer clear of me.

Anyway, that’s about it on my latest rant. Meanwhile, I’m getting hungry with all this food talk. I think I’ll go eat some safe finger food.

Oh, I almost forgot my disclaimer… though I don’t know why I need one. I mean, this is my blog! Everyone who knows me knows I’m abrasive and opinionated (I expect to see several comments fervently disagreeing with me on that point) so whoever wants to object can go take a long walk off a steep cliff. So there! No disclaimer for you today, doggie.